“How will I get through this?” One of the incarcerated women I accompany in soul care asked me this question with some desperation in her voice. She has been a successful businesswoman, and she has a family who needs her. Her sentence is significant. “I have great skills, but I don’t have the survival skills for prison or the skills for this level of loss and grief.”
“How will we get through this?” is the question many people have asked me over the past month. It is the chaos, violence, and mistreatment of others in our country that prompts their concern. “How do I stay present when I feel so helpless?”
In each of these cases, fear is the underlying emotion. Fear contributes to feelings of isolation. It encourages us to step back, to self-protect, to remove ourselves, to disconnect. Although these are normal responses to fear, they are self-defeating.
The life-giving response to fear is connection and engagement with community. My psychological and spiritual training has taught me this. More importantly, my best teachers, the women I companion in prison, have confirmed connection as the antidote to fear. They have experienced incredible trauma and live in an environment that does not feel emotionally safe. Yet, they have found their way through the fear by building relationships, identifying their gifts, generously sharing their gifts, and doing what they can to foster community care within the facility.
So what does this look like in practical terms?
If there is someone who has been important in your life and you have not spoken to them in a while, call them or write them and tell them what you appreciate about them and how they have made a difference in your life. Emails don’t count. Even better, if they are local, make a lunch date.
If there is someone who has hurt you and you haven’t yet forgiven them, now is the time. We forgive to free ourselves. The freed-up energy enables us to engage fully with others.
Commit to speaking the truth. Don’t share information unless you know it to be true, and don’t engage in gossip. Fear spreads and festers in a culture of lies.
Recover a sense of awe and wonder through connection in nature. Really notice the vibrancy of nature, the wildlife, and the interconnection of all life. Small children are wonderful guides in this. Walking my dog, who sniffs out everything, opens creation to me every day. Nature programs on TV can also enhance our awareness.
Connect with a community of people important to you, whether a faith community, secular organization, book club, or neighborhood group. Commit to spending more time with others and less time online. Limit yourself to a focused twenty to thirty minutes each day to stay politically informed.
Find a way to give of yourself to community life and to counteract the ugliness. Sociologists have identified our national movement away from community concerns as the greatest source of depression while also contributing to a loss of social cohesion. Medical experts at Harvard have identified the value of four hours a month of relational service for both physical and mental health.
If you have not communicated with your U.S. Senators and Representative, they need to hear from you. Educate yourself for the upcoming primary and regular elections.
Consider taking a program in communication skills, conflict resolution skills, nonviolence training, or de-escalation training. These skills translate into ordinary settings, not just public ones. They help us listen more effectively, care for our own hearts, and defuse tense situations. Recently, I have been teaching nonviolence and de-escalation skills to some of the incarcerated women. The women have told me about anxiety disappearing, greater energy during their day, and better relationships and trust with others.
And then there’s the little things. Make a point to smile at others during the day. Open the door for someone. If somebody cuts you off in traffic, say a prayer for them. Thank service people and clerks for the work they do. If you discern that you cannot participate in vigils or protests, say a prayer or light a candle for nonviolence for people who do.
Fear spreads destructive energy that lodges in our bodies and destroys community. The above suggestions release a different kind of energy: life-giving energy that overcomes fear and builds community. We can and will get through whatever faces us and come through it thriving if we choose to do so.