“Take care of yourself.” How often have you said that to someone else? How often has someone else said that to you? As our lives are filled with activity and responsibilities, self-care has come into vogue. Marketing has been quick to realize how it can be monetized. “Pamper yourself.” “Take some time away.” “Do it for you.”
There is nothing wrong with having our nails done, going to a spa, or enjoying time drinking a certain kind of tea or hot chocolate. Apart from the experience, however, these activities don’t nurture us, bring a greater focus to our lives or bring healing. Self-care as it is presently being sold to us, costs money. In that way, it becomes available to some who can afford it and is inaccessible to many.
The women I accompany in the prison have taught me a great deal about real self-care. There is no pampering yourself in prison. Every day you live and move in a traumatic environment. There is no spa escape. But there can be real self-care. The women care for themselves by developing trustworthy friendships with others who share the values of personal growth and healing. They care for themselves by forming small communities of care in which they regularly show compassion for one another. They develop an ethos of care in which each person receives the care they need. They are there for each other to celebrate milestones and victories, to grieve the loss of loved ones, to encourage during the down times, and sometimes to correct each other. They talk about and find ways to improve the environment for everyone.
Real self-care and community care are linked. Caring for others and caring for self are not opposites. There is no financial cost involved. The benefits are energizing, sustaining, nurturing and healing.
The wisdom that these women have taught me is actually supported by research. Community care is a regular practice of showing up for others and allowing others to show up for you. It is not “do-goodism.” It’s not caretaking. It’s about loving systems of support, building trust, and collective resilience. Trauma is relational. So is healing. We can’t address depression, anxiety and burnout without looking at how connection can restore us.
We will be saying more about the relationship between self-care and community care in the coming weeks. During this special season, however, we invite you along with us to take a different look at gift giving. We spend so much energy trying to find just the right gift when it might be more about being present, attending to our relationships, listening, and enjoying each other.